If you asked one hundred therapists this question, you would likely get one hundred different answers. It is as true to say that every client is different and unique in their own way, as it is to say every therapist is different and unique in themselves and the way they practice. Every person who is looking to engage in therapy has their reason to do so, and every therapist had their own very personal reasons why they wanted to train and practice as a psychotherapist.
I used to say to people that therapy consists of two people sat in comfortable chairs and talking. On some levels it really is that simple, but in other ways it does not even come close to describing what good therapy can be. This kind of leads into a conversation about what the difference between good and bad therapy is, but that will have to be for another page or blog post!
The longer I have been a therapist, the more obvious it becomes that one of the core components of therapy is trust. No one will be able to do the work they wish to effectively if they do not have trusting enough relationship with the therapist. People need to feel safe enough to bring whatever experience, memory, relationship, trauma or vulnerability into the therapy room at some point, otherwise there may be some surface level change in behaviour, but over time the old patterns of thought, feeling and behaviour will return and the person will be struggling once more.
The person seeking the counselling is often unhappy with their experience of life, through things that happened when they were a child, being depressed or anxious, having experienced trauma or loss which has led to that person not liking themselves very much.
Anxiety, depression, any other form of mental health struggle essentially sprout from a dislike of self at a very deep level. A person can’t drink to excess, smoke, use recreational drugs, cut themselves, stay in unhappy or abusive relationships if they actually like themselves. Someone who loves and cares for themselves would not want to self harm through drinking, they would not want to self harm through allowing a partner to control them or hit them. People continue to do these things because within their unconscious view of self there are wounds that mean they hold their view of self negatively.
Good therapy will help the person seeking support initially feel safe enough to bring into the room all aspects of self or experience that the person needs to, then work will start on building self esteem, self confidence through a process of understanding why they have been holding onto such a negative view of self over time.
Once the person has this awareness, they then have a choice. They can stay the same, or they can change. If they decide to change then their counsellor/psychotherapist can stand alongside them whist they decide how they want to change and move forward. If they decide to stay the same then the counsellor will respect their decision and be led by them about how they wish to move forward with or end the counselling.
Therapy is always hard work, taking months, normally years of commitment and hard work processing the relationships, experiences, traumas that led to the negative view of self in the first place. As a reward for making the commitment to do this work on self, often the person doing the therapy feels worse before they feel better, but it is by talking through the painful parts of our past we begin to process them, so we can then find the positives in the experience and self and grow as a result.
An important part of therapy is often to take back control from any relationship that is taking more than they are giving. It is important to claim back our power and control from those people who have sought to control, manipulate or hurt us because of their insecurities or weakness.
By talking through and getting affirmation around the negative relationships and the trauma in our history we can then truly start taking control of how we view ourselves and also how we treat the self physically, emotionally and psychologically.
People who manage to find the right therapist for them and then find the strength, motivation and commitment to work through this will make the changes they need to to their internal view of self which positively changes a person’s day to day thoughts, feelings and behaviours. This is often life changing for those that manage to do it.
This is what I hope to achieve with anyone who wants me to be their psychotherapist, to be their support through the most difficult of journeys. I hope that everyone who works with me ends their therapy and understands themselves better, feels better about themselves, cares about themselves in a way they have not done before.
The only thing that holds most of us back from achieving what we wish to achieve is our experiences in the past and how these have led to us not liking or caring about self very much. If we know why we are not caring about self through becoming aware of why we hold ourselves back or sabotage ourselves through inappropriate decisions, behaviours, feelings and relationships then we can change and grow and ultimately, be happy and content with who we are and what we have.
That is what I hope for whenever I take on a new client, that they leave having found understanding and peace in self, which means they can be content and enjoy what they have internally and also externally in relationships and life.
This is my version of what therapy is! It might not fit what you are looking for which is fine, if it doesn’t I wish you well on your future journey and hope you find the right person to support you in it.
If you feel I might be the right person to talk to then please send me an email or complete the intake form on the contact page and I will get back to you as soon as I can.