Inspiration for blogs can strike at odd times and in unusual places, this one was first formed sitting on a coach heading to Stoke for a football match (that really wasn’t worth the effort of going to, getting this blog out of it was the only highlight of the day!).
To pass the time I was reading some of Seneca’s letters to Lucilius (a Roman dude who lived in Sicily) and I found a lot in them that are still applicable to the modern world in a way that is very grounding, if a bit sad. It is incredibly worrying that we haven’t moved forward more as a species, but I get a strange comfort knowing that the ‘modern’ problems we encounter in life are actually as old as the hills. So I get great sense of calm by reading passages like:
‘The man who looks for the morrow without worrying over it knows a peaceful independence and a happiness beyond all others’
This is in essence the core of mindfulness, be in the present and don’t stray too far ahead and be in the anxiety of an unsure or unknown tomorrow and also don’t live too much in the past. I say similar things to either myself or one of my clients pretty much every day.
Also little gems like:
‘if you wish to be loved, love’
And
‘Anger carried to excess begets madness’
Both still so true and really important at the moment when there are a lot of people being led down a dark alley by politicians and media/social media who are choosing to hate and be hated. Fuelled by their excess of anger and horrible things are happening in society and the wider world as a result.
Anyway, this wasn’t actually what I wanted to write about today. The letter that really made me think was titled ‘The Wise Man is Content with Himself’. It is about friendship, but what struck me as I read was how so many of its insights can be applied to relationships and even trauma.
One of the things I often say to clients is that within their intimate relationships, close friendships and even familial relationships, it is important to know that have a solid belief that if they were to lose a relationship they would be able to survive the loss and ideally be able to learn and thrive afterwards through the experience. Seneca’s way of wording this is:
‘…the wise man is self-content; he is so in the sense that he is able to do without friends, not that he desires to do without them. When I speak of his being ‘able’ to do this, what I am saying amounts to this: he bears the loss of a friend with equanimity.’
This is a direct quote, I would much rather he had written a ‘wise person’ rather than a wise man!
So many people stay in one sided friendships, overtly abusive partner relationships or toxic social groups because they believe that they ‘need’ the other person/people. This is often because their self esteem and self confidence are so low that they do not value themselves adequately and this means they are willing to put up with the neglect, negativity or abuse because at the very core of their unconscious mind they do not believe they deserve any better.
I come across this often in the therapy room and it is very impactful every time. When I hear a good person, with good values, beliefs, empathy and care for their children, friends and family are being mistreated, neglected, abused by a partner, friend, social group or family member, it really hits home and it helps to remind me that this is why I do what I do.
The origins of this low self esteem and confidence are nearly always (I would like to say always, but nothing can ever be 100%!) due to a significant trauma event or a number of traumatic events in quick succession, adverse life experience in childhood or in early adult life. As I sit here writing I can’t think of a single person I have worked with whose self-esteem and confidence issues have not been rooted in some form of negative experience or trauma at home, school or in their social life at some point, or points in their childhood.
If we grow up in an environment that is safe, caring and encouraging then we are likely to internalise a number of essential permissions around ourselves and the our life. The permission to fail and learn from mistakes, permission to find our own path (even if we take the wrong one sometimes), permission to feel (be angry, happy, sad, whatever is congruent in the moment) to name a few important ones. The most important of all though, is permission to be ourself, or just have permission ‘to be’.
Without this essential permission ‘to be’, a child will start a process of over-adaptation to others that will have a negative impact on their life as the move into adulthood. It will lead to anxiety, depression, insecurity, self sabotage or self harming behaviours (drinking, smoking, drug use, bad relationships) or any other kind a maladaptive coping strategy that the individual finds that helps them manage their low self esteem and negative view of self.
If a child is already lacking these permissions and they then have some form of traumatic experience, things are complicated exponentially. Trauma can shred a persons self esteem, especially if it occurs in childhood. Children instinctively know they need adults and other people around them to survive. They dont yet have the tools to protect their valuables (sense of self included) as an adult can and therefore if they are experiencing trauma, neglect, abuse or just not being affirmed by having the permissions they need to thrive, they will protect the valuable, aithentic aspects of self by locking them away into the unconscious part of the psyche. This keeps them safe, but it also means they no longer have access to their authentic self and the process of overadaptation goes into overdrive. This leads to the low self esteem and confidence, a negative view of self and then the maladaptive coping strategies kick in so that they can survive what is a difficult and bleak existence.
In his ‘The Wise Man is Content with Himself’ letter, Seneca talks about a chap called Stilbo (makes me wonder whether Tolkein ever read Seneca, I imagine he might have done at some point). Stilbo has had a rough time recently. His village has been burnt to the ground and his wife and children killed during the destruction, yet when the person who ordered his village destroyed asks him whether he has lost anything, Stilbo replies:
‘I have all my valuables with me.’
When I read this for the first time it had a powerful impact on me. This to me is such a powerful statement when faced with unimaginable trauma and loss. Stilbo full of grief for his village, his family, the people and place he loves most in the world is able to say that he will survive, because he still has his authentic self to fall back and rely on.
We all live daily with our history, our past. Within every person’s experience there will be loss, trauma, negative experience. It is not possible to go through life and never have such experiences. So when I thought about what Stilbo said something clicked in my mind – as long as a person has their authentic self with them (their most valuable valuables), the self untainted by life experience and trauma, the part of them that is authentic, light, caring, clever, funny, cheeky, playful, silly, confident, competent, independent and most importantly, free spirited and curious – as long as we have these most valuable, authentic parts of the self accessible and permitted, we will be able to manage whatever life throws at us in the future. We will also be able to use this as a way to let go and process the negative experiences and historical trauma that bubble up in the course of our day to day lives.
I think the main purpose of psychotherapy is to help people to build and grow their self esteem and confidence so that they are at a point where they know that they are fine within and by themselves. They may have a village of supportive caring people that they are able to call on if needed, but they also know that if the worst came to worst and their village was not available and they were alone, they would be fine. They have the inner resources and esteem to be able to survive and possibly even thrive in their isolation.
I have spoken with a couple of clients recently who experienced trauma in their early, formative years and then found themselves in relationships with people who were abusive to them as adults. Through the course of the therapy they have built their self esteem and confidence and are now fully connected with their authentic selves again. Both have ventured into new relationships recently. One ended quickly when the new partner struggled to accept someone positive into their life (because of their childhood trauma) and the other one is seemingly going well.
The difference for both clients as they explore new relationships after they have processed and understood their past, is that they both know that if the relationship does not work out (as one has not worked out already) they will be fine, they will learn from the experience, move forward and grow. They also know their worth and will not accept the controlling, negative behaviours of their previous partners in the new relationships.
They are both back in touch with their authentic self and they will not allow it to be redefined or abused by anyone else in the future. The process of over adapting to other people’s opinions and beliefs about them has stopped and they no longer care what other people think of them as they know who they are and they will not be redefined by anyone else.
Alongside this, their past no longer controls or dictates their experience of the present. They have all of their valuables with them at all times and they are caring of them and grateful for them.
They are also back in control of their own lives in a very real sense and for the first time in their lives they can say with confidence:
‘It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.’
I thank the wonderful W.E.Henley for those words, they sum things up rather perfectly I think.
As I said at the start of this blog, inspiration and epiphany can happen at any time, even when sat on a coach heading towards Stoke!